I started one in a tiny journal my friend Miesha had given me for just a time that I wanted to speak so fully to God and needed a place to keep it. Within two days I had filled it up.
I was so beautifully inspired (as well as had absolutely nothing to do one afternoon at my job at the PRC - a RARE occasion) that I decided on a whim to purchase a really nice leather bound journal that had hundreds of pages for me to fill. I decorated it very carefully (as you can see in the pictures below). It felt like God had presented me with a gift that I could hold in my hand and keep close. It never really left my side much during my last semester at VCU.
That journal has been with me through thick and thin last year. It was about 40% full by Advent - when it disappeared from my life.
It was there one moment, and gone the next. It broke my heart and I remember crying because I just missed all the prayers that were in there and the memories that surrounded them. I had my favorite Scriptures written in there for times I needed them. I had intimate prayers, songs and poems I had written, and notes on ministry.
I searched high and low for that journal. I tore through my home in Cville and in Newport News, searched all the family cars, and at St. Thomas. I asked friends if I had left it with them, checked coffee shops, classrooms, and any other place it may have been left, but still - nothing.
The next few months felt very lonely without it, but it was both a curse and a blessing. A curse, because I had lost something so deep and personal that had contained the last 12 months of my relationship with God - a critical and definitive year as I moved from college into my fellowship, in and out of a very serious relationship, and as I grew further in my new Catholic faith. There were times this year where I REALLY could have used it. It definitely caused me to get more angry at God at times.
It was also a blessing in a way too. I had to find new ways to speak with God. I tried to make a new journal, with no success because it didn't feel like that same gift. I had never finished filling it, so starting a new one didn't feel right. It just meant that I had to be more creative in talking to God. I had to find new ways to pray and more opportunities to talk to Him about my heart and the directions it needed to go in. I was also suffering in my heart during this time, so I had to seek Him more personally to have the same connection I felt through that journal.
Without the journal I definitely made more use of my time during Adoration and it allowed me to really take part in Liturgy of the Hours - something I am completely grateful for, and had struggled through for a while. It was a major goal of mine this year to learn how to pray the Hours of the Church.
A friend of mine, Lindsey, told me that if I was meant to find this journal again, it would come back to me at a time when God thought I really needed it.
And Holy wow, have I needed it now, more than ever...
It's funny, because I told God at Mass on Tuesday that I'm not sure how to talk to Him anymore other than yelling at Him, because everything in my life has been difficult. I feel like that's the only time and way I ever speak to Him anymore. To daily spend an hour yelling at Him either in my head or out loud. I asked Him to teach me once again how to feel and how to communicate because I am not sure how to have a relationship anymore. Mentally, I know He is with me, I just haven't been able to understand it in my heart especially in the last few weeks and throughout the last few months.
After breaking down several times that night in reflection of my own life and my relationship with God, I think He interceded in my life.
I fell getting out of my car (not an uncommon occurrence in my life) and nearly face-planted in the dark. I reached for my car to get back up and my hand ended up under the seat in my car. I felt something squishy that felt like a book underneath.
Sure enough - it was my prayer journal.
It had wedged itself under the seat, but had gotten stuck in a flap attached to the seat, so even if I had moved the seat back and forth, I would not have seen it because it moved with the seat. I had to be lying on the ground to even notice it there.
I think this is the only time in my life I have ever praised God for falling on the ground.
My prayer book has returned, in the same condition it left me in: all of my prayers and feelings still intact. With my new clarity in vision, I have spent an hour each night since Tuesday reading through it.
And that's how it came to me: BE THANKFUL
I looked through the sections (see below), and found the one that's entitled, Praise List realizing it's the least filled section. I read through months of prayers of asking God for what I wanted, what I thought He wanted for me, and for Him to guide me. I rarely ever praised Him for anything that He had already given me.
Right now, with the way things are going in my life, I think that's all I have to hold onto: His present blessings.
It makes me think of the Gospel of Luke (17:11-19), in which it is written (NAB):
As he continued his journey to Jerusalem, he traveled through Samaria and Galilee. As he was entering a village, ten lepers met (him). They stood at a distance from him and raised their voice, saying, "Jesus, Master! Have pity on us!" And when he saw them, he said, "Go show yourselves to the priests." As they were going they were cleansed. And one of them, realizing he had been healed, returned, glorifying God in a loud voice; and he fell at the feet of Jesus and thanked him. He was a Samaritan. Jesus said in reply, "Ten were cleansed, were they not? Where are the other nine? Has none but this foreigner returned to give thanks to God?" Then he said to him, "Stand up and go; your faith has saved you."Unintentionally, I have been one of the nine. I haven't been able to look past my own desires and wants in life, to really just appreciate what I have been given. And so this blog is to help me begin a life of being the cleansed leper who returns to Jesus in gratitude. Not an easy task, but something that I think will lead my relationship with God in a new direction as well as open myself up to the life that He has planned for me.
I know several people have asked me how I made my journal. In case you were wondering, here is what my prayer journal looks like (with brief descriptions about each part!):
1. The Journal: I purchased it at either Wal-Mart or Target for about $10-$15! It has a little ribbon to keep tabs on a place. Since I knew I wanted multiple sections, I also purchased heart shaped paperclips to bookmark the start of each section.
2. The inside cover: On the left is a "pretty" written version of my favorite Scripture passage (1 Corinthians 13) - something that inspires me daily. The right has various medals of Saints given to me by various people throughout my faith journey. There is a little prayer card that contains Footprints, and the pictures of the teacups are a reminder to see myself as the woman God designed me: not as a generic Starbucks cup that the world wants me to be, but a beautiful, hand-crafted, one-of-a-kind teacup, created for a special purpose to bring joy in the lives of others.
3. Table of Contents: Another beautiful version of 1 Corinthians 13 that I found and put next to the table of contents.
4. Scripture And Response: A place to write down my favorite Scripture passages, with room to reflect if needed.
5. Praise List: A place to write about things I am thankful for and want to offer praises to God for. The section I am working on filling!
6. Prayer Requests: I have found that I sometimes have a lot of intentions, people, and requests that I want to pray for, so I write them in this section.
7. Revelations From God's Heart To Mine: This is the place where I write when I am sitting in silence in Adoration and I feel that God is putting something in my heart that needs to be written down.
8. Prayers For My Future Husband & Children: My favorite section, where I put prayers about my vocation. I feel a strong call to marriage, but I include prayers to religious life in this section as well! Below you'll see a picture of the poem by St. Anthony that started it all, and a picture of my favorite prayer card for my vocation!
9. Love Letters To My God: This is the section where I put my prayers that aren't specifically about something else. Of course, you can't categorize prayer, so there is overlap between sections, but I feel like this section has the intimate and raw prayers that just flowed from my heart.
10. Ways To Feed God's Sheep: Inspired by John 21:15-19, this section covers ways to minister to people, whether individually or as my role in ministry in the Church. I take notes about ministry, about ideas I have to minister, or prayers for ministries that I dream of.
11. Favorite Prayers, Songs, Poems, & Quotes: This section is where I write down prayers and quotes of Saints, lyrics to hymns that I love, and poems that I read that remind me of God.
12. Songs & Poems For God: I love to write songs and poems for God, so I use this section as creative space. If you ever get me to sing you a song - consider yourself lucky ;)
13. Inside Back Cover: I created a pocket to hold prayer cards, pamphlets, and any other tools I used to pray.If you've made it this far, THANK YOU!
Today I am thankful for prayer, for God's blessings, and for my prayer journal which has returned to my life!
Wow! That was great. I keep a prayer journal, too, but mine is much less organized and not nearly as pretty! I'm also glad to learn I'm not the only one who takes notes at Mass ^_^
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